iam{bic}

iam{bic}

Catalyst Echo

[	website	\|	catalyst echo [dot] com	]
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[	archive	\|	journal archive	]

Okay, fuck my amazing adventure for a little while.	[Aug. 20th, 2010\|04:16 pm]
I'll get back to that if I can. I've been not posting in this journal because that adventure needs the right mood to write about but when I get back to it, I'll reference the other entries and it'll be lovely. Cohesive. Etc. I need a non-twitter outlet. I've decided this is the place.
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iam{bic} - Catalyst Echo's quite irresponsible and relatively silly adventure (day 1, part 4)

[May. 1st, 2010|04:27 pm]

[	Current Location	\|	United States, Texas, Gatesville	]
[	Current Mood	\|	contemplative	]
[	Current Music	\|	just the soothing sounds of wind and birds	]

last post: HERE

After eating the amazing pizza I described in the last post, I went to check on my car. It was done so I paid my bill and went on my way.

Cost of tire, labor and tow truck: around $100
Time it took to tow it, fix it and for me to be on my way? Less than an hour.

Amazing, right? I thought so.

The blown tire experience was far too easy and hassle free. I took that ease as a universal nod of validation expressing agreement with my spontaneous journey.

++++

Before I go on, I should explain something about me. All my life, I've been an explorer. I enjoy exploring for many reasons. One of these reasons is that by physically altering my actual, visual perspective, I can nudge my internal, mental perspectives.    Before I moved to LA (Feb., 2001) I usually used a car to do my exploring. I'd drive until I found something interesting and then park, get out and explore it.
The drivers' void is the best way to clear my head of clutter so I can really think. I love the open road sensation.

Living in LA without a car for 4 years taught me to use a camera when a car was not available.    By the time I got a car (4th of July, 2005) I was already out of the habit of using the drivers' void to focus, out of the habit of exploration via motor vehicle and out of the habit of just driving. As a side note: I was somewhat surprised at how quickly the knack of driving long distances at high speeds came back to me.

So, while I hadn't just taken off like that in a while, it is not entirely out of character for me to have done so. This, combined with the ease of the solution, might also explain why the "ordeal" of my blown tire didn't freak me out or worry me.

++++

I got back on the road around 1pm that day (Dec. 10th, 2009) feeling bright, happy, and interested in my drive.   I'd planned to stop in Phoenix, AZ for lunch so, even with the blown tire, I was still making good time.    I switched CDs (from moodorgan to Tool) and brought my car back up to 90mph, sat back and let the driving void take me.

Tool was an interesting change of mood and mind. Their songs soar, blending well with the speed and mild exhilaration of the open road. Arizona passed quickly. The dust in my wake made no difference to the dust that is always there.   This was relevant internally because, before my tire blew, I had a vague idea of going to Bagdad, AZ, then turning back toward LA. That would not have been a satisfying trip, especially after the "ordeal" of my blown tire... no, I needed something else and more open road.

FOOTNOTE: My parents lived in Bagdad, AZ just before I was born. I've always wanted to go there and see what it was like. Recently reunited with my biological father, Bagdad seemed like the logical place to go to at first.

So, I set a new destination goal.

The afternoon passed quickly. I drove straight through the rest of Arizona, taking time out to feel the wind and enjoy the vibe of the place. I took some time looking for a classic rock station so my soundtrack would be like that of my parents when they lived in the state. But mostly I listened to Tool.

By around 5pm, I was crossing into New Mexico. New Mexico has always fascinated me. Interesting, world changing things happened there in the mid-1900's --> Roswell, Atomic testing and development, etc. The scenery changed as I crossed the border... it was dusk, the horizon was rich with jewel tone, sunset colors. Objects in the distance carved dark, ponderous shapes into the serenity of sky. It felt like an alien landscape in a sci-fi film from the 50's.

I had Peter's camera with me but I didn't stop to take pictures (though now I wish I had). I figured I could time the drive back to get the kinds of shots I wanted.... of course I haven't gone back yet. That just goes to show one should always take advantage of opportunities as they are presented rather than relying on a second trip.

I found a few decent photos online that show the otherwordliness of the New Mexican landscape, copyrights at the bottom.

New Mexico, Yuccas at Dusk by Nick Melidonis

New Mexico, Yuccas at Dusk by Nick Melidonis

John De Bord seems to be able to capture part of the essence of what I saw in New Mexico. Here is his portfolio of images called New Mexico, 2008.

If I had gone walking in the New Mexican desert, it would not have surprised me to find a door like this:

Robert Reck

++++

NEXT UP:
Las Cruces, NM and White Sands, NM

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by the way...	[Apr. 23rd, 2010\|08:00 pm]
I want to thank all of you that have taken the time to respond. I loved livejournal in the wayback machine and I will try to do my part to read your words as well. I hope I live up to this boast. I hope I don't get distracted. Because you do mean a lot to me and your comments make me happy.
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Catalyst Echo's quite irresponsible and relatively silly adventure (day 1, part 3)	[Apr. 23rd, 2010\|07:50 pm]
last post: http://microchaotic.livejournal.com/389375.html The tow truck guy and I talked about Arizona and my hair. At the time, my hair was still vibrant moodorgan red (see Figure A) but that is hardly the interesting part of this discussion. Did you know that in Arizona people get drunk and go shoot cacti? Well, they do. The tow truck guy pointed out several amazing cacti (see Figure B) that were vented with bullet holes. He also drew my attention to signs, construction cones, guard rails.... apparently people get drunk and shoot things up in Arizona. Good for them. FIGURE A: That's me. Photo by Eric Charles, hair and styling by me, makeup by Erika aka GlamourLush. Image link stolen from moodorgan.com FIGURE B: a random cactus I found online. Image link stolen from here. So, he delivered me and my car to Phoenix. I paid for a new tire and went to eat pizza while I waited for them to finish the job. I ate at the New York Pizza Department (http://www.aznypdpizza.com/)... and I have to say it was the best pizza I have ever tasted. Maybe I was starving (I was... I couldn't remember the last time I'd eaten)... and maybe it was the adrenaline of the drive and subsequent synchronicity... but that pizza was AMAZINGLY good.
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Catalyst Echo's quite irresponsible and relatively silly adventure (day 1, part 2)

[Apr. 23rd, 2010|07:26 pm]

[

Current Music

black empathy box - you can't _ more than I can _

]

So... where did I leave off? (http://microchaotic.livejournal.com/388677.html)

Oh, right. The driving void.... the electric feeling of yes.

So, I drove. And drove. And drove. It didn't seem like a long time but with only a few CDs and a dawn full of sunlight that blended (unseemlessly) into day... I started to wonder exactly where I was going and why.

The "where" was less important. I had plenty of "where" ideas and knew I'd end up someplace. It was the "why" that got captured in the net of thought and struck the chord that harmonized with my drive.

So I thought.

Why?

Why leave? Why now? And why not?

I could run down the reasons for you but I worry about the effect of my words on those few people who might still be reading this journal.

However.....

Let's put this to music, shall we? My mindset could be most easily explained if you understand the song I had on repeat at this time in the journey.

black empathy box - "you can't _ more than I can _"

Go ahead. right click on that link and open the MP3 in a new window. I can wait.

Now listen. Close your eyes and pretend you are driving at about 90 miles an hour along route 10 in the Arizona desert after the sun has just settled comfortably in the vast blue sky. Pretend you have a mild headache from Todd's super strong rum and cokes at Nemesis. Pretend your mind is a dizzy little tizzy of thought. Pretend you felt trapped... that you had always felt trapped almost all your life but you were good at making the best of things and shaking your cage enough to keep going... pretend symbols of your cage existed in the car and pretend you threw those symbols out the fucking window at 90 and watched them explode into shards behind you on the empty road.

Think of your glee as you watch them shatter splat and die on the road.... Imagine how quickly those shattered symbols were already behind you. Pretend your life feels like shards of glass shattering on the road around you and that the driving feels like fucking freedom.

Think of how far you've come.

Now listen again. Go ahead, just click the little arrow and put the song back on. I want you here, under my bangs with me while I talk about this. I want you hiding behind my hair while I tell you about the desert... while we talk about flying.... all windows down, the sunroof opened, the open road, the world at large... I want you to be in the car with me... alone on the 10 freeway, just me and the trucks... weavedancedriving faster than we probably should be driving... freaking out a LOT MORE than is healthy... wind whipping our hair around like a tempest... thoughts of treason... thoughts too loud and music not loud enough (for those of you who have had the pleasure of driving with me, you'll appreciate it when I say that even my car's sound system was not enough to drown out my crazychaosvibrant mind... except for THIS SONG).

Picture yourself exactly as I was. Or remember a time when you felt that way. Do you have that idea firmly in place? Are you with me? Let's say you are....

Now, in the interest of truth, let's dish.

I fucked up. At Nemesis, I screwed the pooch when it comes to conversations. I started to tell a very good friend about my chaos world in hopes that she would help me. At the time, I thought she had a relatively solid mind and a decent connection to the otherworldly.... I wanted her to read tarot for me... I was desperate in my search for direction. BUT, I didn't have a goal when I started talking (I rarely do) so I fumblefucked a conversation that was supposed to be a cry for help. I was trying to tell her how fucked I felt my world was. How lost I was. And I cited an example that had connotations I wasn't really aware of when I brought it up.

See, a few days before I'd shared a bottle of JD with a friend and smoked pot (something I don't normally do) with his roommates. He had the Sandman collection books I didn't have yet so I found myself stuck in the Vertigo world of Neil Gaiman's fan-fucking-tastic comic opus. I'd read it before, of course.... but I needed that kind of anchor... something familiar and full of old inspiration. I separated myself from the group to read.

So, I went upstairs to read in the warmth of his room. My plan was to read for a while, return the book and grab my things to drive home once I'd sobered up a bit. It was a good plan... a responsible plan... a plan that didn't involve me drinking more alcohol or smoking more pot. I liked it at the time. I was pleased with myself for thinking of it. It was a very good plan.

But it failed. I sat down on his bed, got semi-comfy and promptly passed the fuck out.

Now, this was probably the better of my various options at that point. I was in no condition to drive home and my mind was full of my recent medical and emotional issues. But, still. I'd never ever not even once fallen asleep at someone's house without planning to do so. Ever.

I have insomnia. So no matter how tired I am, I always go home.

But not this time. (as a side note: that is why I brought it up to the friend in the first place. It was an example of how far I felt I'd fallen. I've never slept over at anyone's house... I've never gotten so fucked up that I passed out either.... I don't sleep anywhere except in my own bed.... not even at Cathy's and I used to spent a LOT of time at Cathy's house).

So. When I brought this up to my friend at Nemesis, I screwed it up royally. I was careless, chaos and vibrant violent with anxiety. To top it off, there was history between the girl and the boy. History I'd witnessed. History I thought was in the past but.... well... you know how the past is. It has this tendency to inform the present. And I wasn't thinking of that at all.

When I opened my mouth at Nemesis I was being entirely selfish... a rare thing for me. I can't ask for help.... I just hate asking for help. But I was trying with an amateur's sensibilities and a chaos filled, half drunk mind...

I am not entirely sure what was said but I knew after the first sentence that I was doing it wrong. She asked me a question and I tried to backtrack with a white lie but as soon as it came out of my mouth, I knew that was wrong too. Things were moving fast that night. I was drunker than I knew I was and my attempts to fix the situation were... well... not very good.

Suffice to say, I clusterfucked a friendship that actually meant a lot to me. It was the last straw in a series of changes I could not comprehend.

And that is what I was thinking about while driving through the Arizona desert.

Thoughts like: What is this world where even I can not think before I speak? How fucked up am I that I'd clusterfuck a good friendship carelessly simply because I was having a week long panic attack?

Then my tire blew.

I knew it was coming. That tire was doomed from the start of the drive. I knew it needed to be changed.... I saw the baldflatbubblefuck but at the time I just didn't care.

So my tire blew. I came back to reality, turned down my stereo and glided my Saturn to an offramp where I saw ... wait... right there... just a few yards away.... A TOW TRUCK! HALLELUJAH! Synchronicity.

Mind you, I was about 30 miles outside of Phoenix at this point so getting a tow truck out there and getting my car to safety would have been quite a chore even for my blackberry. But there he was with a flatbed tow truck and only one car (also with a blown out tire) half loaded...

I ran over. We chatted. He agreed to take me to a tire place for a significantly reduced towing fee (since he was already headed there anyway). We guided my car onto the skids and I hopped in the cab and we were off!

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